I can see clearly now, the blur has gone!

Image courtesy of “Rest Time” by Michelle Meiklejohn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have my new reading glasses. Typing on smart devices in the recent past has been fine but it’s amazing how, when I lift up the glasses I’m now wearing to see how things used to look, the text is blurry and really quite difficult to make out. Looking through my glasses, the text is razor-sharp, crystal clear, nice!

Loss of near sight focus is one of those things that generally deteriorates, as we get older. It’s the gradual deterioration that is worthy of mention. Humans are actually very adaptable. People often comment that they don’t like change; I suspect what they mean is significant change for them. Gradual change is much more acceptable and we adapt to it with little conscious thought. We are very habit-driven. The brain likes habits because it then requires very little response on its behalf to enact activities. Gradual changes largely go unnoticed. and what happens is that, over time, all those small changes add up to be a significant change over all. To repeat, only when I put on my glasses for the first time to write this blog post, did I realise how much my near sight vision had deteriorated over the years.

Habits are things that we are carrying around that have crept up and we’ve not realised. What might have started as a simple response has now become a routine, embedded response triggered by what the event in front of us means to us. And that’s also the point. It’s what it means to us for the same event may well have an entirely different meaning to another person.

So, what can we do to break a habit?

The first stage to breaking the habit loop, as Charles Duhigg writes in his fabulous book: The Power of Habit, is to recognise that we are doing it in the first place. We need to be much more aware of what is happening in our lives. And that takes effort on our behalf because our brain is essentially “a lazy piece of meat”. – Gregory Berns, from his book, Iconoclast.

Sometimes, those habits are reinforced because we don’t want to let go of things not helpful to us. We need to ‘Cut the Rope’ to those habit cues. If we ‘cut the rope’ to those cues, we break the ties to the habit routine that we carry out. Yes, this can be done. There are countless stories in books and on the Internet of habits broken. The common thread was that the will power ‘muscles’ were strengthened through determined practice and persistence leading to a change in routine and a loss of the undesired habit.

You see, I can see clearly now, the blur has gone. I could have chosen to hold on to how things were. After all, it was fine. I could see. Why change? Actually, things had changed and they weren’t serving me well but holding me back.

How we see things will dictate what we do about them. How do you see things in your life? Are you holding on when you would be better served letting go? What ‘ropes’ can you cut today to help free yourself from undesired habits?

 

Common Thinking Traps. No. 7 – Emotional Reasoning

To ‘cut to the chase’ it’s the unconscious mind that governs emotion. I like to think of the unconscious as a young puppy. Often wildly responding and out of control unless we keep a loving, but tight, reign. The limbic part of the brain (at the heart of the unconscious mind) deals with the ‘Freeze, Flight or Fight’ Response. (It’s in that order of response, by the way, and not ‘Fight or Fight’, as it’s so very often referred.). What happens with Emotional Reasoning is that we ‘reason’ that what we are believing is true without questioning its validity.

The very phrase, ‘Emotional Reasoning’ is actually an oxymoron. Emotions aren’t reasoned responses. They are just ‘played out’ by the Limbic System / unconscious mind. That’s why we ask ourselves after our response: “Why did I do that?” The neocortex part of the brain is seeking to reason the emotional response.

Further, what psychologists call cognitive dissonance abounds in Emotional Reasoning. We create reasons that justify our behaviours, and ignore, as well as delete, behaviours that don’t fit in with ourEmotional Reasoning. Cognitive dissonance exists when conflicting beliefs and attitudes exist at the same time within someone. One of those beliefs must give in to the other one. Humans are remarkably adept at dropping one belief to allow another one to dominate. Practise it for long enough and we can justify any behavioural response, never questioning whether it is a helpful thing to do or not!

I feel guilty.

Guilt is a very powerful emotion. I believe that it is one of the most damaging and destructive emotions. Guilt grinds us down, freezes us from releasing change and creates excessive levels of stress with long-term damage to our bodies. Yes, guilt is that powerful.

We should challenge guilt at every opportunity. But how? An excellent website with some very practical advice can be read here. There are some very powerful questions that we can ask ourselves when feeling guilty. They involve asking what someone else might be feeling, thinking, saying and doing if they were in the situation that we find ourselves in. The very act of asking this question helps to calm the emotion (the unconscious/Limbic System) and allow our conscious mind to consider, reflect and enable a more desired response. For example, asking ourselves how our trusted friend, John might be feeling if he was in our situation may well give us a different perspective to our own. John might behave in a different way if he were in our situation and he might also say something more helpful in the long-term.

Acting this way (yes, it’s good to act) can help reduce the emotion, will help stop us saying or doing what isn’t helpful and will free us to live the life that we want to live.

I generally find that forgiveness helps too. It might be forgiving others for what happened; it might be forgiving yourself for what happened. Forgiveness frees us. It’s the opposite of guilt. Whereas guilt grinds us down, forgiveness frees us up. The more we are freed up, the more satisfied we will find our lives.

As a Christian, I believe that Christ has bought me freedom from guilt through His death and Resurrection. By believing in Him and not letting guilt have any power over me it’s helped me to look up and live the kind of life I want to lead.

Whatever your personal beliefs, getting rid of the power of guilt will make such a positive difference to your life. It will probably feel like a massive weight has been lifted off your shoulders. There are things that I wish I hadn’t done (regrets) but I refuse to let the guilt of those events take a hold. Those events are what I’ve done; those events are not who I am. I’m looking up and moving forward and no event or belief is going to hold me back or down.

How might you free yourself up today?

Summary:

Challenge: I feel guilty.
Opportunity: If (someone you trust and respect) was in this situation what would they say/feel/think/do?
Reflection: emotions can mist. What evidence can I find to disagree with my judgement and how might I think and behave differently if I did?
Saying: Guilt grinds me down; forgiveness frees me up!

 

Common Thinking Traps. No. 6 – Black or White

It’s this way or that…
Image courtesy of manostphotos / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Black or white thinking is an example of cognitive distortion. By cognitive distortion we mean the extremes of thinking with no room for alternatives. It’s this way or that. And that’s it.

I do all that I can to prevent a lack of choice. I find a lack of choice immensely limiting. Choice is freeing. I have a choice whether to drive at the correct speed limit (but I accept the consequences if I don’t); to stop at red traffic lights (again, I accept the consequences if I don’t); to say no to an extra piece of cake (and accept the consequences if I don’t); to say yes to doing what someone asks me to do (because I want to and I accept the consequences if I don’t choose to do what they ask me to do). I can’t isn’t in my vocabulary unless it’s for an anatomical/genetic reason. Put simply, I can’t give birth; I can smile and thank the police officers for their politeness towards me when they decide to impound my car.

The thing about ‘Black or White’ thinking is that it denies the opportunity to have a third way. To have at my disposal an alternative, or two, as it were. Steven Covey, in his wonderful book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People argues that a third way is a vital ingredient in effective win-win strategies. Compromise is a form of low win-win where neither party achieves what they desired. A third way seeks to give an even better outcome to the originally desired wins for both parties. As a result, both parties achieve an even better win-win than was possible with only a compromised solution. Black or White thinking prevents a third way and therefore limits what would be a more satisfying outcome for all concerned.

Unhelpful thinking when it’s just the one person involved invariably results in frustration and considerable disappointment. “It’s not good enough! It’s rubbish!” might be said. Of course, the reply to that should be, “Who says it is? Who else agrees?” But it seldom is. We all have disappointments on occasions with activities that we complete. What we should be saying to ourselves is, “Under the circumstances is this the best that I could do?” The ‘circumstances’ that result in the quality of our work are many. We might not be feeling well. The tools might not ‘be up to the job’. We might be distracted. And many more besides. However, to claim it’s rubbish because it’s not the desired outcome that we want tells us a lot about the thinking behind our judgement. Remember, thoughts dictate actions (outcomes) and those thoughts are shaped by our paradigms (beliefs or map of the world).

Reflecting on where those words uttered came from will help you to understand the paradigms, thoughts and outcomes that you have. Remember, you can change those paradigms, thoughts and outcomes for more useful ones. None of these is fixed. They can all change. As long as you want them to, that is.

So, if you find yourself declaring that it’s rubbish, stop and explore your reasons for this statement. Look for the opportunity to challenge that statement with words like, “Who says? Who else agrees?” and “What would [a name you trust] say?” Crucially, remember that what you do is just that. What you do. It is not who you are. There are too many people in this world who say, “This [whatever it is] is rubbish. I am such a rubbish person.”What you’ve done might be rubbish (and that, after all, is a highly judgemental and subjective statement) but you never are. If you find this hard to do then learn to let go. For some, that will be extremely hard especially if they’ve had a particularly judgemental parent, as a child. However, we need to let go of harmful and hurtful things said to us and to leave them where they belong. In the past and not with us today.

In summary:

Challenge – It’s rubbish!

Opportunity – Who says? Who else agrees? What would [a name you trust] say?

Reflection – What I do is what I do. Who I am is who I am. What other choices are there?

Saying – Let it go. I’m worth it anyway.

 

Common Thinking Traps. No. 5 – Emotive Language

 

It was the worst experience of my life! Anyone’s life!

Oh, we all do this don’t we? Shouting out loud to anyone who will hear us that the event that has just befallen us is the worst in anyone’s living memory. The thing is, it’s seldom the case. Our ‘blurting out’ might easily be passed off as ‘letting of steam’ by ourselves, to continue the figures of speech, but someone’s been on the end of our monologue: if it’s not someone else with verbally spoken words it’s ourselves with self-talk language. (Self-talk language, by the way, can be more destructive to our emotional state. We self-talk at a considerably higher speed than verbal talk. After all, there’s no one else to interrupt us and correct our thoughts is there? Telling yourself in your thoughts that you’re such a useless person merely affirms to your unconscious that you are such a useless person. You’ve given your unconscious mind permission to bombard yourself with negative emotions and it will happily do so.)

What’s my point? What you speak is a result of what you have thought and what you think is a result of the paradigms or principles by which you live your life. Paradigms dictate your thoughts and your thoughts dictate your actions whether they be words spoken in your head, words spoken aloud or things that you go and do. Words spoken ‘in the heat of the moment’ to others can cause upset and disappointment: to others. It tends to be over fairly quickly though. Words spoken ‘in the heat of the moment’ to ourselves tend to go deeper, last longer and have a more lasting, negative, effect.

Being aware you’re negatively self-talking is crucia

l. Recognising the danger signs is fundamental to habit change (yes, negative self-talk is a habit we could all do with ending; it starts with realising we’re doing it, and our emotional state when we do, and asking the appropriate questions to reduce or prevent it happening again). The website by The Extra Gear has some useful strategies for recording the occurrences of self-talk. I particularly like the paper clip idea.

So, if you find yourself saying emotive language statements, stop immediately and ask yourself, as a question, whatever was the key emotive word that you used. For example, in my opening, it said:

It was the worst experience of my life! Of anyone’s life?

There are a couple of words here to attack. Yes, we’re going to attack and defeat this negative talk! The words: worst and anyone’s both make suppositions (assumptions) so take the opportunity to ask them back to yourself as questions: Worst? or Anyone’s? This technique helps to reduce the emotion and, since it’s emotive language that we want to avoid, this is a very good thing to do.

Then, ask yourself in reflection, what someone else might say or do in the situation that you are in. Putting ‘someone else in our shoes’, or, indeed, ‘putting ourselves in their shoes’, is a powerful tool to engage the neocortex part of the brain: the rational, problem-solving, creative part of the brain. Emotional response involves little if any neocortex. It’s the ‘fight or flight’ protection part of the brain that deals with emotion and it needs taming, else it will ‘run riot’. Reflecting on how another might deal with the situation calms the emotional part of our brain and helps us use the neocortex, as we focus on solutions.

It’s also worth saying, as a reminder, to take out the emotion. This will help us to think more clearly, may well prevent us from saying, or doing, something that we’ll regret and lead to a happier and healthier state of mind, both for ourselves

and for others.

There you go! Easy isn’t it? [Ehem...]

In summary:

Challenge – It was the worst experience of my life! Anyone’s life!

Opportunity – Worst? Anyone’s?

Reflection: What might someone else think in this situation? How might they behave?

Saying – Take out the emotion

PS I wrote earlier in the article that recording your emotional state when you say the emotional language is an important thing to do. To break a habit it’s vital to record what the habit is that we’re carrying out and our emotional state when we do. This greatly increases the chances of finding what the cue is for the routine (habit) so that we can break it by finding a different reward that is beneficial or far less damaging. The Habit Loop and how to break it has been written by Charles Duhigg in his excellent book: The Power of Habit. I highly recommend his book.

PPS As a bonus you might find the Self-talk Interrupt diagram below useful. Interrupting the negative self-talk will change how you think and thereby change how you see yourself, thereby changing what you tell yourself…

 

 

Common Thinking Traps. No. 4 – Mind Reading

Welcome to no. 4 in the series of common thinking traps and how to avoid them. This post will be brief but no less helpful both for you and for people who do this all too commonly.

“She should know! We’ve been married long enough!”

How often, I have heard these sentiments. The simple fact of the matter is that you (thankfully) are not them and they (again, thankfully) are not you. For many reasons all of which no doubt play a part in affecting our beliefs, attitudes and resultant actions the point is that they don’t know. They are not a mind reader. True, spending a significant time with someone else, such as in a relationship with a loved one or with a family member, should make us more aware of their idiosyncrasies. The reality is: nothing like as much as it should.

The point that I want to make though is that there should be little or no expectation that the other person will know what we want. And, therefore, it seems to make perfect sense just to tell them and not expecting them to guess. How we tell them is all important of course; no one likes to be patronised. How we hear the ‘what they want’ matters just as much too; just get on and do it! If, both in the sharing of what we want and in the hearing of what they want, is not with a supportive and valuing attitude on both sides, then effective communication breaks down.

Perhaps, the familiar Challenge, Opportunity, Reflection and Saying will succinctly clarify this for us.

Here’s the summary:

Challenge – She (and He) should know! (How often do we hear that?)

Opportunity – According to whom?

Reflection – So called Mind Reading is for magicians – not for relationships.

Saying – Claire Voyent is not the name of my wife. So, I won’t act as if it is.

 

Common Thinking Traps. No. 3 – Blame Culture

Welcome to the third in the series of common thinking traps and how to avoid them. The first one was catastrophising and the second was Generalisation. The third one that I’m discussing today is called Blame Culture; in my opinion it’s rife within society.

The first in the series, catastrophising, made it clear that we need to fully accept and take responsibility for the life that we lead if we are to affect powerful and desired changes in our thinking and actions. I discussed what I refer to as the ‘Adam and Eve Syndrome: “She made me eat it; the serpent said it was ok.”

The Challenge to Blame Culture is self-explanatory: namely, we are constantly on the look-out to blame others for what has happened to us and not accept responsibility. The famous musical Westside Story features the wonderful song: Officer Krupke. In that song there are lines such as:
My grandpas’s always plastered,
My grandma pushes tea.
My sister wears a moustache,
My brother wears a dress.
Goodness gracious, that’s why I’m a mess!

Do these events help shape Action’s life? They probably didn’t help. Are these events the cause of Action’s life being a mess? No.

Apportioning the blame to those around you, as the cause of your life being like it is, is to absolve yourself of personal responsibility and ownership of your life. After the moan’s over what’s going to change? The people that you are blaming are unlikely to, or literally can’t, change (they’re no longer alive) the way that they behave.

A far more effective process is to demand change in yourself. You can change you. You are wasting your time if you expect to change them.

My wife and I are involved in Marriage Preparation at the church that we attend. It never fails to raise a smile when we present one particular section called: Isle, Alter, Hymn. Namely:
Brides: Remember, walk slowly down the isle, stop near to the altar and once you’ve sung the first hymn you’ll feel more relaxed. So, as you walk down the isle with whoever’s giving you away, just keep saying over and over again: “Aisle, altar, hymn; aisle, altar, hymn; aisle, altar, hymn…
I’ll alter him; I’ll alter him…”

Blaming others for our disappointments, our character and our exam results is a waste of time and energy. Seeking to change another person is, by the same token, a waste of time and energy. Accept responsibility for the situation you’re in. You’re in it after all, no one else.

The Opportunity for questions to ask could include:
How can I take responsibility here? What can I do?

There is much to reflect and I’ve written about that above. Two further thoughts are these:

When you blame others, you give up your power to change

- Robert Anthony

Acting lame leads to acting blame

- Stephen Long

Take the opportunity to act decisively and take control of the situation that you find yourself in. Blame no one. You have the power to change, to make decisions and lead a blame-less, or even better, blame-no one life. It requires you to let go: to let go of blame.

Say to yourself along with the two quotes above: I banish blame and I accept full responsibility.

Here’s the summary:
Challenge – She’s at fault! He made me!
Opportunity – How can I take responsibility here?
Reflection: Acting lame leads to acting blame
Saying – I banish blame and I accept full responsibility

 

Common Thinking Traps. No. 2 – Generalisation

2. Generalisation

I’m writing a new series on common thinking traps that people can find themselves in and the ways that we can overcome them. Last time I wrote about catastrophising: thinking the worst case scenario every time. You can read about that by clicking here. I would encourage you to read the first part of the article since it sets the context behind how to overcome the thinking challenges. Yes, thinking in a different way will have an impact on your words and actions but different thinking based upon a more helpful set of beliefs will have a profound effect on your life.

All of the thinking traps have strategies that can be used to help avoid those traps. Today’s thinking trap and how to avoid it is the thinking trap of Generalisation.

Generalisations are scenarios where we perceive choice has been removed. We therefore feel compelled to act in a certain way. Phrases such as: “Have to…”, “Must…” and “Can’t…” dominate our thoughts and resultant actions. We have generalised that there is no choice: we simply must or absolutely can’t act in a certain way. This represents a challenge to us since freedom to act in another way is perceived to have been removed and this is not a healthy way of living.

It is critical to understand, however at this juncture, that the rights to freedom come with the responsibilities of that freedom. I might believe that I have the freedom to act in a certain way but with that freedom comes the consequences of whatever actions I choose. A healthy society can’t have rights without consequences: the former must live with the latter.

If the Challenge to the thinking trap of Generalisation is “I have to…” and “I must…” then the Opportunity is to say the same key word but as a question.

“I have to…”
“Have to?”

“We must…”
“Must?”

Sometimes, the very opportunity to say whether it does have to be the case is enough to bring about a change in thinking. Invariably, we haven’t stopped to consider whether we do need to do whatever it is. Perhaps, that is the crux of the point too: we haven’t considered. To consider requires cognitive strategies: problem-solving, decision-making, weighing-up. The “Have to…” response is often an emotional response not involving the thinking part of our mind. Responding to life’s challenges emotionally over and over again is not a long-term helpful way of living. It’s emotionally draining, overly stressful and often leads to illness and health complications.

Another question opportunity that can be asked is: “What would happen if I didn’t?”
This type of question is interesting in that it offers an opportunity in reverse, as it were. Not, what if I did but what if I didn’t do (whatever it is)?

When we offer the opportunity of not doing something it can give the means to offer alternatives. I like alternatives! The more alternatives I have the greater the flexibility and opportunity for creativity and win-win solutions.

A useful Reflection opportunity is to recognise that Generalisations remove the freedom and choice that I want to have. So, to say, “What would happen if I didn’t?” provides cognitive decision-making opportunities and not emotional responses. It may well be that I reach the same outcome in the end but I have actively chosen that outcome. Emotional response doesn’t involve actively choosing.

What might you Say to yourself if you find yourself Generalising a lot?
“I have to… (whatever it is)
Have to?
I don’t have to… (whatever it is)
I choose to…(whatever you choose)”

In summary:
Challenge: “Have to…”, “Must…”, “Can’t…”
Opportunity: “Have to?”, “Must?”, “Can’t?”
Reflection: Generalisation removes choice and freedom.
Say (Change the key word to whatever is the Generalisation and make a question): e.g. Have to? (Must? Can’t?)
I don’t have to…
I choose to…”

See what happens and notice your responses, as a result.
———————-

Further personal thoughts

The following thoughts are based upon my Christian thinking. You are most welcome to read them if you so wish.

If we stop to think about it how many things are there where we ‘Have to’ do something? I would argue that there aren’t any. I don’t ‘Have to’ go to work. I don’t ‘Have to’ drive at the legal speed limit. I don’t ‘Have to’ show respect to others. However, in these, and in all other cases, there are consequences if I don’t: I won’t have any money, I could get a speeding ticket, and cause an accident; and people are unlikely to respect me. So, I choose to go to work, I choose to drive at the national speed limit (mostly!) and I choose respect others. I don’t have to. It’s a choice. I believe that having choices is essential for every human being and for a healthy society; so is the full acceptance of the consequences in making those choices.

As Alfred A. Monapert once said:

Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices.

Personally, I choose to live a Christian life with all the actions and consequences of those actions that living a Christian life brings. And it’s a choice I’m glad that I’ve made.

Further, I choose to believe that everyone is of the same intrinsic worth simply because they are a human being made in the image of God. With that belief I choose to treat everyone with the same respect and value irrespective of what they think, what they have and what they do. I might not like what they do. I might not agree with their views or even their actions but the intrinsic worth for that person never wavers. I don’t have to think this way: I choose to think this way; I find it both liberating and immensely empowering. If I’m honest though, I find it challenging when I hear and see the way people treat each other so badly. People make those choices; people must accept the consequences of those choices.

Can Generalisations ever work for you?

I believe that they can! I believe that the intrinsic worth of every human being can’t change. It is permanently fixed. Nothing can change it. It can’t get less or more! It remains unaltered by thoughts and actions. Its worth is unconditional and a given to all human beings.

The above paragraph is full of Generalisations such as ‘can’t‘, ‘permanently‘ and ‘nothing‘. However, they work for me. They give a benchmark that values a human being for who they are; not what they do or have. I might not like what they do or say; in fact I might find it abhorrent, but their worth, as a human being, never alters.

For me, my faith tells me that ‘The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.’, and, ‘Nothing can separate us from the Love of God.’

I find believing in those Generalisations worth doing. What do you think?

 

Common Thinking Traps. No. 1 – Catastrophising

Common thinking traps and how to avoid them

Over the coming weeks starting today I’m writing a new series on common thinking traps that people can find themselves in and ways that we can overcome them. All of them therefore have strategies that can be used to help avoid the traps that can hold us. There are some important assumptions to our thinking that these solutions make:

1. Accept that no one else is the cause of your thinking and acting in the ways that you do. The ‘blame culture’ will get us nowhere and it creates what I call the Adam and Eve Syndrome: “She told me to eat it; the serpent said it was ok.” We don’t have to do what others say to us to do. We are fully responsible for our actions; no one else is to blame.
2. There is a way out; there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hopelessness is one of the most damaging of conditions. The strategies that are offered today and over the coming weeks will work if sufficient effort is put in by you. It will require your commitment; nothing truly worth having is easy to achieve is it?
3. What you do is simply that: what you do. What you have is simply that: what you have. Your worth is in who you are.

Please read point 3 again and preferably read it in the morning and evening for a week. It’s that powerful. The moment our identity is connected to what we have or what we do we are on a slippery slope to failure. If you find yourself slipping up say to yourself:

I have said [whatever it is that's a common thinking trap] but that is what I do and I fully commit to change that response to the best of my ability. My worth is in who I am.

You never know, just saying the above for a week or two might be the single greatest investment in yourself that you can possibly ever make.

The common thinking traps are not hierarchical. The last one is no less significant that the first one. Together, they represent the ones that many people find themselves thinking and then saying.

Each of the common thinking traps will follow a pattern. First, there is the challenge that we’re going to overcome. Second, is the opportunity for us to impact the challenge and provide opportunities for our conscious mind to add in information and ultimately change the feelings we’re experiencing. Third, is a reflective thought to consolidate the change in thinking and forth is something to say. Saying it out loud (if it’s not too embarrassing!) is a very effective strategy but so is saying it in your head when in front of the neighbours, work colleagues and the family!

So, in terms of common thinking traps what’s the first one?

1. Catastrophising

Catastrophising is one of those words that behavioural therapists and coaches have invented. Type it in and you’ll probably see a red line or squiggle underneath it. Turning nouns into verbs can often do that. The noun, of course, is catastrophe. “A disaster!” may well be our thoughts or verbal response to supposed catastrophes that are heading our way.

It’s our unconscious feeling unsafe that induces those thoughts and the ensuing words. And it’s our unconscious that needs calming down. The probable challenge with catastrophising is: “It’s all over! It will happen!”

Facing the challenge of whatever the event is we must ask ourselves a series of opportunity questions. Perhaps, most important of all is: “How likely is this to happen?” The cognitive conclusion that we’re working towards (using the problem-solving part of our brain: the neocortex), as we explore the catastrophising is, this isn’t likely to happen.

“But what if it did! How would I cope?”

is what I’ve heard people say to this conclusion . There is always the possibility of anything happening and no amount of planning and calculation can eliminate us from the possibility. The fact is people often over-estimate the likelihood of something happening and under-estimate their ability to cope of it did.

So, we can say: “I am over-estimating the likelihood of [whatever it is] happening and under-estimating my ability to cope if it did. I will cope.”

It’s going to take practice. Face the situation and say the above words. Face it for as long as you can. Then, next time, face it for longer. Keep repeating the exposure and you’ll find yourself becoming more and more de-sensitised to the unhelpful feelings. As you repeat the exposure and become more and more desensitised, the meaning of the event will change and you will find yourself behaving more and more like everyone else.

To repeat, it’s going to take determination and effort: effort that says “I Will” whether I feel like it or not.

So, next time you find yourself catastrophising you now know what to do.

Here’s a summary:

1. Catastrophising

Challenge: “It’s all over! It will happen!”

Opportunity: Review realistically. Ask yourself: “How likely is this to happen?”

Reflection: People often over-estimate the likelihood of something happening and under-estimate their ability to cope of it did.

Say, as well as the previous things to say: “I may not like this but I will cope.”

 

How not to get people to ‘kick the habit’

How not to get people to ‘kick the habit’

Self-help books are full of advice. Sadly, some of it doesn’t work. Visualising your problems can be one of those ‘Don’t try this at home’ techniques. Visualisation to remove the problem simply doesn’t work in the vast majority of cases. Techniques such as double-think should be used and I’ve written about that in a previous post.
Erskine published an interesting finding in 2007 titled: ‘Resistance can be futile: Investigating Behavioural Rebound’. If the words seem familiar to you it’s probably because you’re a Star Trek fan. “Resistance is futile” was uttered every time the Borg (an alien race) met a species they’d not previously assimilated. This new race was next in line to suffer such a horrible fate. Lovely!
Erskine’s research explored the rebound effect of the mind. Try to forget something and your mind will constantly remind you. In the research dieters were told to forget about eating chocolate. The outcome? The dieters ate more chocolate!
This applies for anyone wanting to ‘kick the habit’. If you tell them (or they tell themselves) to forget about the habit their brain will constantly rebound them to remember the habit and most likely increase the use of it.

What works?
Habit-kicking is tough. Ask anyone who’s given up smoking or addictive shopaholic shopping (that’s as addictive as heroin) to give up their habit and they’ll tell you just how tough it is. There are scientifically proven techniques that work though:
1. Distraction – you need to distract your mind. I would suggest something that’s enjoyable and will require commitment. Distraction, by definition, permits the mind to focus on something else and the cravings for the habit will subside: if only temporarily
2. Double-think – click on the link here for an explanation of what to do
3. Smiling – you smile when you’re happy so to feel happy you need to smile. This is a proprioceptive response. It needs to be a genuine smile so for that you need to read my blog post on feeling happy

 

Buying experiences or buying objects: which is better?

Buying experiences or buying objects: which is better?

Van Boven and Golovich published their findings in 2003 in an article titled ‘To Do or to Have: That is the Question’. They surveyed participants in two ways:
1. The participants were asked to bring either an object or an experience and to rate it in terms of happiness for them
2. The participants were asked to rate on a scale from -4 to +4 both an experience and an object (-4 was very low happiness and +4 was very high happiness)

The results were clear. Buying experiences rather than objects brought greater happiness.

How is this the case?

It seems that the mind filters experiences generally forgetting the poor or bad experiences and holding onto the good. This is an example of cognitive dissonance:

“I spent the money on the holiday, I had a good time but I had a poor experience… May be the experience wasn’t as bad as I thought after all the money I spent… I remember the good times…”

In the case of the object though there’s no escaping it. It’s in front of you. Further, it gets more tatty and out of date with every new day. The brand-spanking new yesterday gadget is today’s tatty gadget and tomorrow’s out of date; ‘could do better’. (If this doesn’t apply to you, congratulations! You are bucking the trend and not a victim of commercialism.)

Experiences are social too in the majority of cases. The time is spent with family or friends and the social element of the shared experience is extremely powerful and we hold on to the shared memories.

What do you find more pleasurable? Buying objects or buying experiences? Please do complete the pole and we’ll conduct our own research.